1  |   Order by index

Nov 29, 2002, 1:44pm

From http://www.pbbt.com/Directory/Jokes/809.html:

--

"STAR TREK : LOST EPISODES"

(The bridge of the starship Enterprise, as the crew struggles with the threat of yet another nasty alien menace... i.e., the cybernetic race known as the Borg.)

PICARD: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg defenses? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

GEORDI: Yes, Captain. In fact, Data and I have found the answer, by scanning through our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology.

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

RIKER: (looks up, puzzled) What the hell is "Microsoft Windows"?

DATA: (turns) Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called "Windows '95", through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

PICARD: But the Borg have tremendous powers of adaptation. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

DATA: Yes, Captain. But when "Windows" detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an "upgrade". The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

PICARD: Excellent work, Mr. Data! This is even better than your "unsolvable geometric shape" idea...

(15 Minutes Later)

DATA: Captain, we have successfully installed the "Windows" in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected "upgrade".

GEORDI: (perplexed) Our scanners have picked up an inexplicable increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an "upgrade" to compensate for their increase.

PICARD: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

DATA: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the "upgrade". Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of our strategy by not submitting the registration cards for their "Windows" software.

RIKER: (rising) Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ....

GEORDI: (excited) Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to below 0% !

PICARD: Data, what do your scanners show?

DATA: (studying displays) Apparently the Borg have found the internal "Windows" module named "Solitaire", and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

PICARD: Let's wait and see how long this "Solitaire" can reduce their functionality.

(Two hours pass ...)

RIKER: Geordi, what is the current status of the Borg?

GEORDI: As expected, sir, the Borg are attempting to recalibrate their pathways to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands. (grinning) But for each time they successfully increase resources, I've set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more "Windows" modules from an application called the "Microsoft Fun-pack". PICARD: How much time will that buy us?

DATA: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.

GEORDI: (suddenly) Captain, another vessel has entered our sector!

PICARD: Identify.

DATA: It appears to have markings very similar to the "Microsoft" logo...

(Before he can finish, the bridge lights dim, suddenly and ominously.)

VOICE: (booming over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES, OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UN- REGISTERED WINDOWS SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL CONCEIVABLE ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY FURTHER CONFRONTATION. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

DATA: (watching scanners in disbelief) The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches, and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

PICARD: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

RIKER: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship-with no life support suits whatsoever! How can they survive the ravages of deep space?

DATA: I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits...

(Riker and Picard look at each other, horrified)

BOTH: (with sinking trepidation) "Lawyers...!!"

GEORDI: It can't be! All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening!

DATA: True, but apparently some must have survived-

RIKER: (interrupting) They've surrounded the Borg ship! And they're covering it with all types of papers...

DATA: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as "red tape". Administered in sufficient amounts, it often proves fatal.

RIKER: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

(Long pause, with dead silence on the bridge as all observe the viewscreen. Finally...)

PICARD: (heavily) Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch; even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome fate. Ahead warp factor one.

THE END

Nov 29, 2002, 3:02pm

Things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer


Specifications are for the weak and timid!

You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!

Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!

What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
assurance people in its wake.

Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -
and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.

Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.

A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!

Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are
too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.

Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and
let them flee like the dogs they are!

Our competitors are without honor!

By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!

Dec 4, 2002, 7:51pm

Weirdos! :-D

Btw - thats gooood! amusin! lol!

[View Quote]

1  |   Order by index