Some Holiday humor ;-"D (General Discussion)

Some Holiday humor ;-"D // General Discussion

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lioness.

Dec 7, 2003, 2:32am
You Better Watch Out: The Hazards of the Season

By Joel Achenbach
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, December 5, 2003; Page C01


No, Virginia, there isn't a Santa Claus.

Drop the twinkling angel ornament and come out with your hands up.


The state of Virginia this past summer adopted new fire codes that prohibit
certain apartment dwellers from possessing a freshly cut Christmas tree. The
rationale is that, in buildings without sprinkler systems, dried-out
Christmas trees can become lethal. A fir so easily becomes a fire.
Naturally the new codes, when publicized this week, triggered widespread
hysteria and protests. Some state and local fire officials responded by
saying they wouldn't enforce the ban.

That would be tragic, because, in addition to building roads and schools and
waging the occasional war in a distant land, the obligation of the
government is to protect citizens from freak accidents that kill a handful
of people every year in a country of 280 million. This new law should be the
catalyst for a sweeping crackdown on all the hazards that make Christmas
notorious as the season of misery and death.

Here is a list, compiled over several hours of careful risk analysis, of all
the things that must be banned immediately before someone gets hurt:

1. Eggnog. Hideously fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When
"spiked" it incites the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday beverages,
including mulled wine, hard cider and schnapps.

2. Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in
hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer unusual electrocution opportunities.
Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can cause automobile pileups on the
street and/or blindness. Live animals in a manger might bite children.

3. Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing
embarrassment, stress and other harbingers of early death. Religious themes
of carols could prove offensive to some listeners and inadvertently trigger
a clash of civilizations.

4. Sledding. Involves a kinetic event that would more properly be described
as skidding. Any close analysis will reveal that sleds not only have poor
traction but are expressly designed to have minimal grip on a slick surface.
Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby from a balcony.

5. Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard. People often use them to have open
fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily
gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and
turn into the Yowling Fireball of Doom.

6. Menorahs. Still more open fire. Why not just pass around blowtorches and
cans of gasoline?

7. Artificial Christmas trees. Fairfax County assistant fire marshal Mike
Reilly, defending the ban on cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my
nine-foot artificial tree. I don't think it's a major inconvenience when you
look at the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas trees are growing to
enormous size these days, and anyone who stands under a nine-foot colossus
runs the risk of being crushed.

8. Gifts. Small gifts are a choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias.
Coal in the stocking of a person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk.
CDs have wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in a manner
that can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to excessive debt,
anxiety and compensatory high-risk behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking
and attempted gift returns. Improper gift-buying, such as when a
well-meaning male gives his sweetheart something unromantic, like a
Dustbuster, or a 52-piece socket wrench set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's
Foot Deodorant Spray, can lead to domestic violence.

9. Mistletoe. The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the
placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been
properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking
hazard.

10. Shopping mall Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks small
children to sit in his lap. You make the call.

11. Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.

12. Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?

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